Just Jelli

Despite what social media might have you think, sometimes you really do just need some tequila.

Listen: I’m a rum or gin person. Not a huge fan of the whiskey types or the mezcal or reposado. In fact I actively dislike scotch and mezcal and summarily reject the idea that men must develop a taste for motor oil. 

Hear me out: alcohol is poison. It fucks up your liver, your kidneys and the rest of your organs. According to sciencey people, drinking one bottle of wine has the same carcinogenic effect as smoking 10 cigarettes. So if I’m going to slowly kill myself, I prefer to fucking enjoy it. 

The idea that you should “grow to like” something, or “get used to something” which something is 100% voluntary is absolutely nonsensical to me. You have one life. Why waste it drinking poison that tastes like how I would imagine butt juice smells?

Why not drink the tastey poison?

Tequila, in some formats, can be a tasty poison. Specifically it is most tasty with a sour component (to cut the pungentness), a sweet component (to mask the pungentness) and a salty component (to match my soul). I can’t won’t  just  sip tequila neat or on a rock. It’s fucking gross by itself. But with the appropriate supporters? It can be delicious. 

With fruit juices or floral liqueurs, a sweet aspect and a sour aspect, tequila can lend an unparalleled earthy, toothsome bite (pun intended) to an otherwise delicate cocktail. 

Margaritas are the purest form of this foray. Lime juice is the sour component; triple sec is the sweet component,  the tequila is your pungent component and then you have the salty rim. The riffs on this format are endless. One of the best I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing was at Square 1 Burgers, a now-extinct chain in my neck of the woods, and arguably one of the best “gourmet” burger chains of the mid-2000s, but I digress. Square 1 had what was essentially a margarita with elderflower liqueur. Because I’m a whore for anything elderflower, I ordered it and was not disappointed. 

Indeed, I would posture I was transported to a world filled with hot topless centaurs and mermaids, who bestowed me with  pretty flower necklaces and summer-ripened berries. 

Did this just turn into a sick Fantasia fantasy?

You bet your blue balls it did. 

Anyway, I was impressed with the burger joint’s sophistication, nuance and attention to detail…even though I paid $14 for the cocktail and $25 for the ostrich burger. #bigcitythings

Fuck you. I like hashtags. 

I also harbor an acute fondness for Tiki cocktails (despite their culturally-appropriated history). There are two schools of Tiki: Don the Beach Comber and Trader Vic. Don loved excess while Vic admired the simple. Where Don’s cocktails necessitated myriad ingredients (some of which were Don’s own creations), Vic’s cocktails emphasized the base spirit, which was overwhelmingly rum. Indeed, Vic’s Mai Tai (it was Vic who came up with the fucking Mai Tai, and I will not only fight, but WIN against anyone who tries to tell me differently) is one of the most revered Tiki cocktails for its deliciousness and simplicity.

While my preference has always been for simplicity (born, I’m sure from laziness), I’m taking a page from Don’s book for this tequila Tiki cocktail. 

How was this monstrosity born, you might ask?

IDK. 

I wanted tequila, but not a margarita, so I pulled a bunch of random shit from my cocktail cabinet and mixed it together. When it wasn’t sweet enough, I added sweeter shit. 

That’s it. 

And I guaran-damn-tee you the vast majority of “geniuses” on this planet also just hamfisted their way to their discoveries. 

The takeaway? 

I’m a genius. 

Also, this is, like, the third one-sentence, minimal-word PARAGRAPH you’ve read. Are you okay?

So how did I come up with this particular flavor combination?I like passion fruit. I like it in Hurricanes and I like it in Saturns. As a result, I had half a bottle of the stuff left over from when Hurricane Ian hit, when I thought it would be cute to get shwasted like my native kin by making Hurricanes. 

Don’t worry. Nothing bad came from the alcohol. That’s what you’re supposed to do when a hurricane comes. (!!!***THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE. DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING I AM SAYING***!!!). So to all those snowbirds, vacationers and transplants? No need to evacuate ever. Just stay put. Grab some booze. No need for shutters. You’ll be *just* fine. 

Ha. 

Get the fuck out of my state. 

Anyway. 

Cocktails. 

I also really like raspberry. The Clover Club is, in my opinion, one of the best cocktails out there. It’s floral; it’s sour; it’s sweet; it’s fruity; it’s smooth, and it’s sophisticated as fuck. Trust me. Go to any craft cocktail or speakeasy and order a Clover Club, and you’ll get nods not just from the bartender. Because I love Clover Clubs so much, I had raspberry syrup…though this ingredient wasn’t added until the end, as an adjustment.

I also like grapefruit. I like it with gin and I like with rum in a Hemingway Daiquiri (I don’t think I’ve actually had rum  and grapefruit in any other format). Indeed, I’d just discovered Hendrick’s new limited edition Floradora Gin, which I found goes wonderfully with unsweetened grapefruit juice. However, Hendricks: I love you and I always will love you. I have your back and remain a loyal consumer. I also love floral gins. No let is a favorite. Bloom is another favorite; but HO-LEE SHEE-AT. That Floradora Gin is like drinking a mixture of St. German and Crème De Violette. Actually, it’s more like just shooting perfume. It’s like walking into that obnoxiously odorous “Luxury” perfume store at the mall and drinking every single bottle. 

That shit’s fairy juice and you can’t tell me differently. 

I bought a bottle and tried to make a gin and tonic, but what I got was a bouquet of bitter flowers. However, once I added a splash of unsweetened grapefruit juice and orgeat, it became a magnificent spring cocktail. (A cocktail for another blog post, potentially)

It was this experience that got me into unsweetened grapefruit juice (get yourself some, son). So in it goes to this little tropical Tiki cauldron. 

Next was the traditional Triple Sec. 

And because I ALWAYS order my Margaritas with a salted rim, I made a “saline solution.” You guys: it’s just water and salt. Make it as salty as you desire. I tend to make my salines as salty as my personality. So only a few drops are necessary. 

Next, I wanted depth. 

Every person on this earth has experienced the “Dive Bar Marg.” Some love it. Some tolerate it. Some…don’t even bother with dive bars. For those who are aware, a Dive Bar Margarita consists only of bottled sour mix and tequila from a plastic bottle. 

Listen: I’m not judging. You do what makes YOU happy. 

For me…it’s not going to be BPA-flavored tequila and sweet n’sour Robitussin. If I’m going to drink tequila, it’s going to be an effervescent, exquisitely balanced, fruity, floral MASTERPIECE of an alcohol. 

And I believe that is precisely what I have created with the bits and bobs I had on hand. I hope this inspires you to fuck around and find out:

INGREDIENTS

1/2 oz. Unsweetened grapefruit juice

1/4 oz. Raspberry syrup

3/4 oz. Triple Sec

1/4 oz. Chinola Passionfruit Liqueur

1 1/2 oz. Blanco Tequila (not from the plastic bottles, please)

1/2 Lime’s juice

Bar spoon saline solution (I used 1/2 cup of water to about 2 teaspoons salt. This was VERY salty [like my soul]. You’ll need to do this part to taste and preference. You can certainly omit completely)

4 dashes orange bitters

1 egg white

INSTRUCTIONS

Throw all of the ingredients in a DRY shaker. Grab a towel and hold the shaker tightly near the seam. Shake that little fucker like you’re mad at it for about 15 seconds. Crack it open, add some ice and shake another 12 seconds. Strain into your glass of choice. Note: this will not fit into a traditional coupe glass. Garnish with raspberries, passion fruit and mint…Or if you were too lazy to buy those garnishes and have a neighbor in Florida with a mango tree and it’s July, just garnish with fresh mango, like me…even though there is no mango in this drink. IDK. It’s tasty as fuck.