Just Jelli

Lawyers have historically been the other half of the success trope you see in every book, movie, article, and story about coming of age or marriage. The over-achieving parents passive-aggressively (or aggressively as the case may be) coercing their precious little crotch goblin to enter the “respectable” field of either law or medicine; or those same parents judging their kids’ choice in partner because that partner is neither a lawyer nor a doctor. While there is not a lot a of material out there specifically explaining why these two professions have historically been held in such high regard, there are a plethora of articles purporting to answer the question: “who’s smarter?,” which leads me to believe at least one of the reasons is their perceived intelligence. Quora says it’s because “[t]hese professions require extensive education and training. Lawyers study for years to understand the complexity of the law (spoiler alert: we learn this shit AS WE WORK. They don’t teach you how to practice law in law school); doctors undergo rigorous medical training to care for human health.”

With these accolades come a certain level of expected decorum. You never expect to see a doctor or lawyer lose their cool. The way they are portrayed in cinema (for the most part) is almost robotic. I’m talking about the main characters, by the way. The protagonists (of course antagonists will be portrayed in the opposite manner: unhinged, quick to emotional outbursts; the antithesis of the three Cs: calm, cool and collected). The good guys; the heroes are always portrayed with an nearly inhuman amount of stoicism in the most important parts of the movie. I mean…except Tm Cruise. That man has zero chill. 

And I can tell you…it’s not just the movies that lawyers strive to maintain that inhuman level of stoicism: it’s in real life. You are discouraged from having facial expressions during proceedings like hearings, depositions and trial. Your job is to present the facts and legal argument and be the least distracting element of that argument you can be. Kind of like how typos and grammatical errors can disrupt the reader’s experience, showing your personality can distract the judge and jury from your case (obviously there are those who try to use theatrics instead of the law and facts to win their case *cough M&M* *cough,* but generally that kind of thing is frowned upon).

Lawyers are typically also under a sadistic amount of stress. I’ve worked in all aspects of the service industry (host, server, sous-chef, baker, barista, cashier, customer service, pastry chef, bar tender), and never do I recall the same level of stress in those fields as I have encountered in the legal field. Of course, that’s not to diminish the stress involved in service industry professions, nay. The opposite, in fact. Service industry jobs are historically oppressive. No. One. Wants. To. Work. In. The. Service. Industry…unless they are masochistic.

Thus, to say that being a lawyer is more stressful than any position I’ve ever held in the service industry is to say that one of the most ubiquitously hated fields is still not as stressful as the law. You still work evenings, weekends and holidays; you still deal with asshole customers/clients on the daily; you still deal with unreasonable shift managers/partners expecting you to syphon your very soul into the company; you still have the corporate tops leaching every last drop of life force out of you and keeping the majority of the money you spend the most time working to earn. All that on top of being responsible for peoples’ lives. You lose a case, and that could change your client’s life. It could mean the difference between them having a home and not; it could mean the difference between life in jail or freedom; or allowing a murderer to go free, or put away. It could mean—especially if you represent huge companies—you are responsible for literal billions of dollars, and if you fail, so does your career (losing so hard is a HUGE hit to reputation, which is how lawyers get clients). So you don’t have the option to call out sick. You have to show up. 

I knew a lawyer who injured her back, and was hospitalized for it. Rather than rest as her doctor prescribed, she had her desktop and printer set up in her hospital room, so she could continue working. My own mother took ONE  day plus the weekend to BIRTH ME, before going to trial that Monday. I have colleagues who must answer phones and emails at all hours of the night so they don’t miss important information on continually fluctuating contract deals. I remember a time where I had so many cases that I would start working at 7:00 a.m., and not stop until 9:00 p.m. No breaks for lunch. Maybe to pee, but that was it. There are lawyers who bill 300 hours per month, who work every last minute of those 300 hours (for those bad at math, that’s 10 hours EVERY DAY of a 30-day month).  

Sure you get paid more (MAYBE, if you’re “lucky” enough to land a job at a silk stocking firm; but the trade-off for the big paycheck is your literal life. You do not have time to use the money you make, except on stuff, that you will never have time to enjoy. Vacations? HA. Days off? Nah. Your face is glued to that phone, tablet or laptop, just trying to stay on top of those never-ending emails), but it’s usually never worth it. First of all, lawyers don’t make as much money as most people think. Most 5-7-year lawyers make six figures; but as we all know, in today’s economy, that ain’t much. And by “six figures,” I do not mean anything above the $200,000 range. I work in one of the oldest, most well-respected firms in my state. I live in one of the largest cities in my state, where cost of living has been driving people away for years. We have offices nation-wide and represent some of the largest corporations in the U.S. I do not make more than $200,000. Not. Even. Close. And I have been out of law school for 10 years. And even those lawyers that do make over $200,000, are usually still saddled with student loans. Not only that, but being a lawyer in a silk stocking law firm ain’t cheap.

You have to look the part, and they don’t subsidize that. Suits go for between $600 to over $5,000 a pop. Shoes are hundreds of dollars. Ties, dress shirts…that shit adds up; and we haven’t even gotten to the dry-cleaning. Sometimes, you’re even expected to drive luxury cars—especially if you have to transport clients. While most firms pay for your bar dues and CLEs, some don’t and that’s another several THOUSANDS of dollars per year to factor in. 

So, that’s all to say, being a lawyer is very stressful, and I have found, you don’t get a whole lot out of the profession unless it is truly your passion. 

With all the above, it’s no wonder lawyers are among those professions with the highest rates of suicide and depression. I’ve certainly experienced suicidal ideation. In a study published in the Journal of Addiction Medicine, researchers found:

Attorneys experience problematic drinking that is hazardous, harmful or otherwise consistence with alcohol use disorders at a higher rater than other professional occupations. Mental health distress is also significant.

Krill, Patrick R. JD, LLM; Johnson, Ryan MA; Albert, Linda MSSW. The Prevalence of Substance Use and Other Mental Health Concerns Among American Attorneys. Journal of Addiction Medicine 10(1):p 46-52, January/February 2016. | DOI: 10.1097/ADM.0000000000000182

 I knew how stressed I was. I was also intimately familiar with my own mental health issues (both those I had going in and those I developed in the practice), and always thought it was a me thing. I never considered that every other attorney was experiencing something similar behind their mostly cool exterior. That was because mostly, lawyers are very good at maintaining appearances. We have to be. It is our job and expected. It’s not until that mask slips that you start to see the rot underneath; and I did not witness such slippage until very recently. 

Sure, I’d had my run-in with the errant psycho; or those nearly pathologically arrogant; or those assholes who are so cartoonishly assholish, as to cease being within the normal bounds of asshole; but never really thought it was an undiagnosed mental illness. I just thought it was an act. Remember the theatrics I spoke of earlier? You see a lot of acts in the law. I used to think it was all calculated, but now I question whether it is an intentional decision; whether it’s a coping mechanism; or whether they’ve completely lost their minds. 

That recent slippage I mentioned? I had just moved laterally from my insurance defense job to a more reputable area of practice and firm (that’s another stressor: the hierarchy of legal practice. You’re called “ambulance chaser,” “sharks,” “trained dogs,” and the like as someone who practices insurance defense…which always baffled me. Insurance law is extremely complicated and involved. It’s not just contracts…it’s state regulatory matters; it’s bad faith; it’s subrogation; it’s third-party claims and juggling; it’s engineering, plumbing, roofing, construction law; medicine, medical malpractice. Like, shit’s fucking complicated. Truly, the only other fields that seem more complicated are (1) international law and (2) tax law; but I digress). I expected things to be more sophisticated; more organized; more measured; and less chaotic. 

Turns out, the reason I was hired at all (I absolutely hired up. Kinda like marrying up, but with jobs), was because no respectable lawyer would take it (this is not speculation. Someone at my firm actually said this to my face). And the reason was because my boss is unhinged. Like, completely-utterly-no-other-explanation-as-to-his-behavior-unhinged. Let me provide some foundation here:

I have always been a good little soldier: respecting authority; taking orders; executing those orders; and taking everything said to me by anyone in any position of power very seriously. I had had a pretty solid string of good bosses until that point. They, at the very least, maintained their masks well. So I had no reason to believe this new boss would be any different. He was manipulative; inconsistent; arrogant; condescending; unreasonable, and cruel. He could pinpoint your specific insecurities, and then use them to his advantage. He knew I had imposter syndrome—especially coming from the field of practice I had. So anytime I slipped up, he’d say shit like, “you can’t be doing that in this firm,” or “you need to get up on this firm’s level.” I’ve never demanded a certain amount in salary, and have always been gracious for whatever amount I’m offered. While I feel I’m pretty skilled at negotiating on behalf of clients, that skill does not translate to my own compensation. This new boss knew that, and would use that to his advantage, too, saying shit like, “we pay you too much to make these kinds of mistakes,” or “the client is paying you too much not to [insert some unreasonable customer service bullshit here, like, answering their calls at 10:00 p.m.  on a Saturday, or doing something that will clearly lose their case, just because they demand it].”

First of all, I wasn’t being paid all that much for my level of experience, when compared to my peers.. Nevertheless, for half a year, I just thought this behavior was a direct reaction to my inability to perform. I thought the problem was me, and suffered greatly for it. I lost all interest in my hobbies; I developed what I did not know at the time was anxiety (chest pressure; increased heart-rate [I’m talking like, RACING heart…which is way weird for someone who has historically had a very low heart-rate. Think 44-50 bpm], nausea, sweating, full-body pins-and-needles, and a sense of impending dread that I could not shake]), and I turned to drinking and drugs (nothing illegal—think Delta-8, NyQuill, Benadryl…anything that would make my brain shut off and lose consciousness). I developed explosive anger and would lash out at my sweet, gentle, wonderful partner. I lashed out at my beloved dog, I stopped going out and began actively hating it. I wanted nothing more than to sulk in my house and consume social media until it was time for bed. 

It was not until I started talking to other associates, partners and friends and family that I learned this behavior was not in response to anything I had done. That revelation led to the question, “well what the fuck is causing this behavior, then?!” The only logical answer was that he was not normal. There was something about his brain that was not like mine or anyone else’s in his division. It was not until I escaped that man that I learned he was actually stigmatized by the whole-ass firm as an asshole. Nobody liked him or respected him, and no one told me. No one told anyone. In fact, it got so bad that, when they were trying to find my replacement, they forbade him from taking part in the interviews because he had scared some potential victim (ahem…sorry…associate) off with his behavior during the interview. So no one was going to tell the potential hires, either. 

That’s how mental illness is handled in the law. It is ignored. It is not discussed. It is something that is your fucking job to control. And if you can’t, they promote you, apparently. Okay, they don’t actually, but it does seem like a lot of the unhinged behavior comes from those in high positions. My thought is that behavior develops the longer you practice, and the more responsibility you get. As a lawyer in the civil sector, your goal is to make partner. As a partner, you typically gain managerial responsibilities over younger associates and paralegals; you become the point person for client communications; you are first chair at trial, and you get paid more. All that takes a toll. You lose what ever free time you may have had as an associate. You literally give your life to your profession. A 2017 study suggested divorce rates in the legal profession was at 35%, which is actually lower than I’d anticipated. But that’s probably because lawyers are very good at making arguments, and maintaining that poker face, because while divorce rates are 35%, rates of infidelity are sitting at a fat 51%. That’s right, in 2013, 51% of lawyers polled have admitted to having office affairs. Makes sense, right? The office is your home. Your home is a hotel, where you moonlight for a night before returning home. 

Now, this post focuses on the legal field because that’s what I have personal experience with. I can’t say the legal profession is representative of the U.S. population as a whole, but I can say, based on just brief research, the U.S. population is experiencing massive levels of mental illness. In 2021, one in five U.S. adults were found to live with a mental illness. That means, if you have a group of five friends, one of you has a mental illness, with prevalence being higher in females than males. Young adults exhibited the highest percentage at nearly 34%, compared to older adults at 28%. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness. 

I honestly don’t know if mental health is stigmatized today to the same degree as it was in earlier years (where people literally imprisoned you for having a mental illness), but it does seem like the reported cases are growing in numbers among the young. But if you are experiencing negative thoughts or feelings consistently, just try to recognize it is a medical issue. It’s probably not just you. It’s probably a chemical imbalance that is no fault of your own; and if you seek treatment, you will likely feel better.